shattered glass

what happens when your world, as peaceful & good as you think it is, falls apart almost suddenly? what do you do when you hear the news – the kind of news that not just changes your year, but your entire life? you can try to move on, do your best to reconcile your feelings of disappointment & confusion. you may find it easier, in the moment, to skirt around the issue or even ignore it. have you ever had a child stand 2 inches from your face, staring at you? it seems impossible to not look back. ignoring never works. looking back is ok until we can say “i’m doing everything i can do to let God work.” looking back as a means of facing your own short-comings with humility & honesty so that you can learn from them, is different than “dwelling in the past”. looking back for short periods with a heart of thankfulness and self-examination is crucial. remembering triggers, thought patterns, habits & lures can be hugely instrumental in keeping us from making poor choices in the future.

and yet, even when we believe it’s been pretty well worked out, reminders have their way, don’t they.

my son helps with a few things around the house like dust-busting the kitchen floor, cleaning, and emptying the dishwasher. tuesday he was moving all the cups to the counter and trying a shortcut by stacking them. just as i saw him stack two glasses, i chimed in, “woah, there! you shouldn’t stack glasses!” quickly, he pulled the top one out of the other. “…they could br…” and it shattered. thin shards flickered all across the floor.

5 years. pornography and a messy affair threatened to obliterate our unity as a family. oh, that’s not how long it lasted. that’s how long ago it happened. both our lives were terribly affected by the lies. there is hope!! but trust is so slow moving. even after this long… after so many boundaries and kept promises, after our marriage has seriously grown, & we are restored, i can still step on a sharp piece of broken glass. it’s few & far between, but we still struggle. we haven’t done all our learnin’ just yet.

a strange text message or email, a late poker night with work friends…they can lead to lies in my head. those bastards (the lies) can stab my sole and make it bleed ’til of course, we talk it out like grown-ups. me & my husband…and me & my God. and i’m healed again.

trust breaks. it happens with abandonment, or the death of someone very close. it happens with verbal or physical or sexual abuse or when a parent lets you down. it happens when your son looks you in the eye & lies.

but i continually find comfort in this truth: His mercies really are new every morning.

have you ever committed to building trust again after it was shattered? how long did it take to restore? do those stupid tiny pieces of broken glass ever really go away…completely?

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3 thoughts on “shattered glass

  1. Cathy August 15, 2008 / 7:55 pm

    We have our story, too. 8 years ago and 3 years ago. And yes, those bastard lies suck! and trust IS soo hard to build back up. Shattered…such a perfect word. I know I still see the cracks…maybe some day I won’t??? But if we forget, we could let our guard down again, and Satan would just love that. Thanks for writing out, what is so often in my head!

  2. chelan August 15, 2008 / 8:36 pm

    wow, thanks for sharing…God is so faithful isn’t he? maybe the best thing to do is to pray whenever a reminder comes, for the determination & resolve to focus on the growth, not the pain. always, always doin’ our best to be thankful.

    ps – i love how you repeated my cuss word. my favorite one, you ask? DAMN! DAMN THOSE LIES to HADES, DAMMIT! 🙂

  3. Frances September 20, 2008 / 12:22 am

    I won’t trust another human being. read my blog labratbites you have it good compared to mine.
    We all make our own mistakes and live with them. If it was a mistake big deal. Tell me of one person who has not made mistakes in life.
    Men are all filth, the only good one is a dead one.
    But I know of a few females who are in the same catorgorie and should join them. Ah Luckensmyer.

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