Tonight as I was pulling my espresso shots, God spoke to me.
See, we were going to move out of our home. We’d decided we would do it. I struggled with the idea of downsizing to an apt half the size, because I knew it meant selling much of what we owned. But as time went by, He showed me where I was holding on to things too tightly. He led me to the place that I thought I would not be able to go: a greater degree of surrender. My prayer is that I love what He loves and hates what He hates. That I act on my convictions.
It took many weeks – maybe even two months. But He led me to that place, and before I knew it, I was there, right alongside my husband who was patiently waiting for me at the milepost. Sure, at first, my vain, entitled, temporary-minded self tried to pass it off as a phase he was going through & dismiss every comment he made suggesting we move again. I’d think, “Of course you do. It’s been over a year here, and the carpet’s getting dirty.” But I realized…and even said it to some friends, “I guess this is my lot – I married a Russ, so that’s what I do. I move every year or so. It could be way worse!” And I became more and more OK with it. I even got a little giddy about it, knowing how much we could save every month in rent, to give to people in need around the world. We were doing it. With cheer in our hearts. Together.
Then our application approval kept having delays. Our 24-hr-answer promise turned into a week, when the property manager called me. We were denied because in the small print, you can be denied for a criminal conviction up to 7 years ago…and beyond. Ours was from 17 years ago. Now, to my surprise (and after I sold our sofa set) I realized…we will actually be staying in our home. Unless we hear from God otherwise.
I keep hearing my husband say these foreign phrases like, “sign another year lease” and sometimes think I’m in a dream.
I’ve always desired to stay put in one place for a while. At least a few years. That’s just me. And I really thought I was getting past it. I had to make myself, just like I do every time a lease is up. But this time … this time is different.
It was as if God was saying to me, “I led you through the valley of self-denial until your heart had reached the other side. Take my hand, child. Now that you know a little better the importance of submission, sacrificing to meet others’ needs, and eternal thinking, I will give to you your very desire that you finally gave to me, with a pure heart.”
Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried pour my espresso into a little black mug, and I felt Him say these things…specifically, Psalm 37:4. The Amplified version of this verse speaks to me softly & I just melt inside as I think about the Father’s love for me.
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.
Oh, to delight in Him MORE every day would be amazing! Not to get what I want. But to simply be in His will and know His voice and sit at His feet and trust in His love for me no matter what. That’s what it means to me to delight myself in Him.
I feel like it may not be now, but when He calls us to move – wherever & whenever that may be, I think I may be readier to obey – and sooner – without all that reservation, resistance, fear or selfish ambition. I mean, I’ll probably still struggle with it. But I want to simply obey, no matter how crazy an idea, cause I know God has His best plan laid out for every season of my life.