broken trust

real-ationship

Chelan1 Comment

i was just thinking and thanking today – about how God wants to have a “down to earth” relationship with me. He created each of us to have a one-on-one intimate friendship, where we talk, back and forth. where we appreciate each others’ abilities and what sets us apart from everyone else. where our closeness leaves no room for pretense. where trust is the ripe fruit born of the tree of unconditional love.

i’m so glad that i don’t have to fake it with Him. even if i tried, he’d see right through my facade & call my bluff. i was worshiping today and i couldn’t stop the tears from dripping down my cheeks, darkening my satin blouse. i knew my mascara was messed up, my head felt like the woman’s from that nyquil commercial (trying to get over a cold) & i looked like i lacked 5 hrs of sleep, despite my hurried efforts to ‘paint the barn’. but when i got in the car with family waiting, at least my braylon said, “mommy, you look beautiful! your face does, but i like your hair when it’s down …and your shirt is so pretty. the sleeves go poofy out and then in & then out again like a princess.”  i don’t know if he was prompted to say any of that by another thoughtful guy…but i don’t care. it got the job done.

not long ago i messed up by not censoring (or even praying before i wrote & sent) an email to someone who barely knows me. how stupid was i. now this man’s judgment is clouded by my brutal unsolicited honesty and i’m sure he thinks of me as this or that…but you know, after apologizing, i just had to resign to the fact that i am who i am.

i look like this. i act like that. God, you deal with it, the good, bad & ugly. it doesn’t matter! look at me, naked in the noonday sun. i was made by you & for you…so give it to me straight. what needs changin’. what i think of myself means so little. what others think about me means even less. what solomon wrote in ecclesiastes is true…oh, and in the song, bohemian rhapsody…nothing really matters.

nothing… except a real relationship with my Creator. what he thinks of me is what matters. i can walk with him and talk with him and he tells me i am his own. Genesis 3:8 says, “And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden, in the cool of the day:” oh, to be back in the Garden.

…but what so astounds me is that i can have closeness with him right here & right now… he wants it, like a loving father wants closeness with his child, interested in every aspect & accepting regardless of flaws.

i am amazed and humbled.

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shattered glass

Chelan3 Comments

what happens when your world, as peaceful & good as you think it is, falls apart almost suddenly? what do you do when you hear the news – the kind of news that not just changes your year, but your entire life? you can try to move on, do your best to reconcile your feelings of disappointment & confusion. you may find it easier, in the moment, to skirt around the issue or even ignore it. have you ever had a child stand 2 inches from your face, staring at you? it seems impossible to not look back. ignoring never works. looking back is ok until we can say “i’m doing everything i can do to let God work.” looking back as a means of facing your own short-comings with humility & honesty so that you can learn from them, is different than “dwelling in the past”. looking back for short periods with a heart of thankfulness and self-examination is crucial. remembering triggers, thought patterns, habits & lures can be hugely instrumental in keeping us from making poor choices in the future.

and yet, even when we believe it’s been pretty well worked out, reminders have their way, don’t they.

my son helps with a few things around the house like dust-busting the kitchen floor, cleaning, and emptying the dishwasher. tuesday he was moving all the cups to the counter and trying a shortcut by stacking them. just as i saw him stack two glasses, i chimed in, “woah, there! you shouldn’t stack glasses!” quickly, he pulled the top one out of the other. “…they could br…” and it shattered. thin shards flickered all across the floor.

5 years. pornography and a messy affair threatened to obliterate our unity as a family. oh, that’s not how long it lasted. that’s how long ago it happened. both our lives were terribly affected by the lies. there is hope!! but trust is so slow moving. even after this long… after so many boundaries and kept promises, after our marriage has seriously grown, & we are restored, i can still step on a sharp piece of broken glass. it’s few & far between, but we still struggle. we haven’t done all our learnin’ just yet.

a strange text message or email, a late poker night with work friends…they can lead to lies in my head. those bastards (the lies) can stab my sole and make it bleed ’til of course, we talk it out like grown-ups. me & my husband…and me & my God. and i’m healed again.

trust breaks. it happens with abandonment, or the death of someone very close. it happens with verbal or physical or sexual abuse or when a parent lets you down. it happens when your son looks you in the eye & lies.

but i continually find comfort in this truth: His mercies really are new every morning.

have you ever committed to building trust again after it was shattered? how long did it take to restore? do those stupid tiny pieces of broken glass ever really go away…completely?