Loss of Sleep vs. Loss of a Child

Earlier tonight, I was tired and dozed off on the couch. I woke to noises from the 2nd floor. The thumping, screaming, running, jumping, scaring, throwing and more. At first, I was so annoyed. But then I had to check that emotion against the reality that there are many women who once had a child and once heard all those noises. But no longer do.

Some never had the opportunity to even hear them. Women like my long-time friend from Portland, Nancy, who lost her baby, Josiah. She got to hold him for four days. How our young-married group prayed for them! It took everything in me to not cry as I sang at the memorial service, but my tears would not be held as I watched the photo-presentation on screen as I listened to Nichole Nordeman sing the gentle and powerful song, “River God” . So many aren’t able to carry to term before the ultrasound no longer bears a heartbeat. My mom miscarried between my sister’s birth and mine. I have an “older” brother or sister, in heaven right now.

And then there’s Angie Smith, who has other children with her husband, Todd (singer in the band, Selah) but whose last child, Audrey, lost her life not long after birth. This woman is truly inspirational…to hundreds. I stopped reading her blog so often because every time I did, I was there for never less than an hour and never without tears.

angie.todd.smith.audrey

I’ve learned little bits about perspective and the importance of friendships and reasons why we must endure pain. That life can go on, and with greater purpose and satisfaction after enduring. There may be an emptiness at times, but she reminds her readers that God is a friend who can fill the emptiness if we allow him.

disney.minus.one

And even if we find ourselves sad, it’s ok. It’s ok because we can still be fulfilled. With the presence and peace of the Spirit of God. I don’t understand it. It just happens. Anyway, from here on out, I think when I find myself annoyed or upset, I’m going to try to challenge myself. I’m going to try to put into practice a perspective that will change my whole attitude. Lord help me.

Advertisement

a new song: storm’s a-brewin’

this one’s for kids (or grown-ups), kinda big-band style. just click here, but come on back when you’re done! storm\’s a-brewin\’

braylon (5) helped me write it earlier this week just after we looked out our kitchen window & noticed the sky was changing fast. it does that a lot ’round these here parts!

oh – a few side notes: he wanted to say that after the line “in the mean time, i’ve got my umbrella” he voted for: “in the mean time, i’m holdin’ on to my fella”. cute, but it sounded a bit co-dependant to me. : ) i ended up with ‘i’m not alone’ cuz it could mean i have my family w/me, or better yet, i’ll always have God by my side. (and…vs.3 i have to give credit to pastor judah smith for inspiration. heard a sermon about change 6 mo. ago & it stuck).

music, song-writing, singing, guitar and the kitchen sink

i have this urge to write more songs, sing ’em, & learn chords to them on my black shiny 6-string. the urge to act on the art within won’t go away…not that i want it to. it fades from the front of my mind to the sides, & some days sinks to the bottom pleading with me all the while to let it out. what i struggle with is who i’m supposed to let it out to.

i’m writing, maybe posting it on my songs, poems or lyrics page. i’m singing it to my family (but usually to myself trying to perfect it in my mind – love those shower acoustics!). i may find chords to it, play it as best i can, & then wait. on what? i don’t know! i used to be able to bring a selection (cover or original) up to a song leader i knew & could collaborate with on it. i have no one like that here. i tried craigslist ads, but two ads that i responded to so far didn’t work out. i tried my church’s 2 bands, but one’s not open to recruiting & the other i’m meeting with in a few weeks…so we’ll see. i think they’re lookin’ to keep doing all covers w/the david crowder band pop worship theme & may need one more bgv (background vocalist).

my heart is open to whatever God wants. it really is. but it burns for outreach. i may try connecting w/other artists thru above grounds, but there are so many in austin, it can be overwhelming. it’s not that i need an audience. God has been my main audience for, goin’ on 3 yrs now. i just dont want to miss an opportunity to bless anyone he puts in my path…or to grow in my potential by working w/other talented artists.

for now… i’m waiting with as much patience as i can muster, i’m writng, i’m changing poopy diapers, i’m singing & dancing around the house, i’m doing dishes, i’m playing the same old chord progressions over & over while the laundry pile seems to reproduce before my eyes (ew, that was a strangely vulgar image), i’m making chicken spaghetti, i’m writing and singing lullabies. i’m running out of gas.

it makes my heart slow & my eyes fill when i think about it long. i so want to learn more, create more music & serve a lot more ~ with all i have. you’d think since he put ’em all in me, he’d show me how to get them out…these gifts he’s given. maybe someday soon.

i’m listening.