Loss of Sleep vs. Loss of a Child

Earlier tonight, I was tired and dozed off on the couch. I woke to noises from the 2nd floor. The thumping, screaming, running, jumping, scaring, throwing and more. At first, I was so annoyed. But then I had to check that emotion against the reality that there are many women who once had a child and once heard all those noises. But no longer do.

Some never had the opportunity to even hear them. Women like my long-time friend from Portland, Nancy, who lost her baby, Josiah. She got to hold him for four days. How our young-married group prayed for them! It took everything in me to not cry as I sang at the memorial service, but my tears would not be held as I watched the photo-presentation on screen as I listened to Nichole Nordeman sing the gentle and powerful song, “River God” . So many aren’t able to carry to term before the ultrasound no longer bears a heartbeat. My mom miscarried between my sister’s birth and mine. I have an “older” brother or sister, in heaven right now.

And then there’s Angie Smith, who has other children with her husband, Todd (singer in the band, Selah) but whose last child, Audrey, lost her life not long after birth. This woman is truly inspirational…to hundreds. I stopped reading her blog so often because every time I did, I was there for never less than an hour and never without tears.

angie.todd.smith.audrey

I’ve learned little bits about perspective and the importance of friendships and reasons why we must endure pain. That life can go on, and with greater purpose and satisfaction after enduring. There may be an emptiness at times, but she reminds her readers that God is a friend who can fill the emptiness if we allow him.

disney.minus.one

And even if we find ourselves sad, it’s ok. It’s ok because we can still be fulfilled. With the presence and peace of the Spirit of God. I don’t understand it. It just happens. Anyway, from here on out, I think when I find myself annoyed or upset, I’m going to try to challenge myself. I’m going to try to put into practice a perspective that will change my whole attitude. Lord help me.

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grateful…

i was thinkin’ today that i could sit down and write a list of all of the things and people that make my heart grateful…but honestly, i think it’d take too much time and probably bore anyone reading it. yeah, it matters that we recount them – that we place stones of remembrance telling the tale of how we’ve been blessed, delivered, rescued, gifted…but today i’ll leave them in my thoughts. let’s just say i’m a happy camper.

momanddadandme

who or what has made a wonderful impact on you lately? what are you gonna do about it?

from oregon to texas

i’m just sitting here, as blessed as can be…my dad bought a ticket for my mom to fly down here with him for a business trip he had planned…they extended their stay so they could spend more time w/us & the kids. they’re stayin’ in angel’s room (she’s sleepin’ in a pack n play in our walk-in closet)! and we’re all lovin’ it.

the kids & i prob. will not be able to fly up to oregon in july with my husband when he’ll be the best man @ his brother’s wedding. times are tight. if i think about it too much, i get teary…so i’ll just get to the point.

with that in mind, ‘papa & gigi’ took it upon themselves to visit us (praise God they had the funds to do so). they showed up at our door last night at 9:15. angel & braylon were so elated ~ laughing & story-telling, being held, hugged, tickled & read to til after 10pm. …and we have ’em in our custody for one week!

this visit is definitely a wink from God.

i’m gr8ful for…

  • how my daughter’s eyes are turning blue-er
  • how i was able to buy like $200 of food yesterday @ my favorite grocery store, & now have all the food our family needs. we used to rely on the state of oregon to help us w/food, but are now still God-sufficient, but also self-sufficient (as defined by the gov’mnt), and it feels wonderful
  • the mild weather here in austin – a sunny & breezy spring
  • how my skin is getting healthier
  • how my husb. is secure, (us’ly) loves comin’ home to us after work & is growing spiritually
  • our new bbq – we’re using like 4 times/wk!
  • my one-on-one time i get every morning w/angel

happy with no make up

i’m gr8ful for…

…an extra-wonderful 5-yr.old son who welcomes me every time i pick him up from school, w/really wide open arms & sometimes a ‘mommyyyyyy!’ or one of his cute lil ‘point-n-nod’s w/a half-smile as soon as he spots me… followed by ‘where’s my snack?!’

i’m gr8ful for his health, his beautiful brown eyes ~ even when he looks tired, they still have a great shape & color to them ~ for his kind, compassionate heart & his patience.