not too good to be true

Then Jesus said, Come to me, all of you who are weary & carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.

***

when i am weary and carry a heavy burden, i pray and i sing. talking to God does something inside of me that takes the focus off of me, even when i’m talking about me. and doing the very thing he’s gifted me to do, sing, brings me joy. it can be anything, but when i sing something that gives Him glory, He stays true to His word…and shows up. He inhabits the praises of His people. Knowing He is there takes a certain load off of me – like, i’m really not trying to do it all alone…something so easy for me to forget. 

i can count on Him to show up & give me strength when i do what He’s gifted me to do, in His honor. if i have sin not dealt with, i ask him to make me clean and do my best to do a 180 in that area. it’s refreshing to know that He doesn’t hold grudges. He’s not angry with me (or you), disappointed or surprised when i’ve done wrong. All he asks is that i accept his Son’s sacrifice for it…and go on with my life. sounds easy, but it can be tough to do in an achievement-based, ‘if you work hard enough at something, you can get it done’ world-view.

but that’s one thing i love about the Gospel. it’s just too good…but not too good to be true.

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sometimes even though i try & convince myself that i’m not nearly as busy as others, it still doesn’t take the stress away. when the house is a mess, the baby’s temp keeps pushing 102 probably due to an ear infection, when i have self-image issues because of my worse than usual skin (& weight), it can all just feel …heavy. but the bulk of it comes from feeling anxious about starting a new job sept. 2nd without much experience or training as well as packing & moving into a new place all next week.

i was just wishing i could ‘hit refresh’ somewhere on my brain so i can clear out all the junk & start over with a ‘i can do all things’ perspective, when i opened my gmail to find a note from my mom. she shared with me something her pastor spoke on last night ~ the image of the yoke. i’ll share this part with you:

Church was so good… I can’t believe what a gift Kip has of pointing out all the things we need to be reminded of!… the character of God, & how he wants to (& is able to) help us with every little thing we need.  I tend to stress over stuff, but he reminded me that God has a yoke, & if I just surrender the issues I’m worrying about to him, and get along-side of him in that yoke, it’s now resting on him!  He is carrying the weight of the load, & he is responsible for the direction to go in, since he knows where he wants me to go!”

thanks, mom. you were the mouthpiece of the Holy Spirit today. i just love you.

1 peter 5:6,7,10

humble yourselves…that he may lift you up in due time.

cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

and the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

shoplift a heavy burden

it was a rush. my mind would go a hundred miles an hour (to keep up with my heart) as i walked the isles of the store. it could be any store…or house. it could be any thing. lipstick, underwear, a toy for my son, a ring, a birthday gift, a grape, a coke…you get the idea. my objective was to try & find a way to get out of that store without paying for it…without a soul noticing it was gone. it was kind of a ‘lets see how far i can push the limits’ game i played. the anxiety was actually exciting while i shopped. maybe since i never really went thru a drinkin’ & druggin’ phase, this was my version of a “high” i missed out on. the pinnacle was always at checkout. i thought if i got past checkout, i’d probably be safe…beyond suspicion. sometimes i’d use coy conversation & flattery to distract the cashier. i was dang good.

rolling cameras, electronic machines, magnetic strips, return policies ~ i thought i could beat them all. for example, if i got hungry, i’d head over to the protein bar section, open one up, eat it slowly while i ‘shopped’, as to not seem paranoid & then leave the wrapper on the bottom of the cart at check out. if they asked, i’d say, ‘oh, that’s just garbage’. a thief and a liar.

sometimes i’d be at home, bored w/an overdrawn bank account & have an intense desire to shop…or should i say, attain something new. once the urge got in my brain, it was like nothin’ could stop me. i’d take little items easy to hide in my purse. if i didn’t have the money (i read shoplifting rarely has to do with the lack of money), i’d think, ‘there’s got to be somethin’ around the house i can return. then w/that cash or credit, i can buy something else.’ i’d frantically search the house for items or search my purse for a good receipt & then look for an item listed on it. in essence, i used the socially acceptable & legal right to return things, so as to justify it. i’d take back all kinds of things i’d had for up to 9 months, clothes worn & washed countless times…i’d literally break things, un-stitch a hem to make it seem defective, even hot-glue a plastic price-tag loop back onto a garment so it looked never worn.

one time i even returned a dress jacket i gave to my husband for his birthday. it had a small rip in the armpit & i made it bigger, stating it was defective. originally i paid $29. @ fred meyer…& i got credit for it, but not before several cashiers looked at it with an ‘oh my god.’ examining me & then the botched receipt (another trick i was fond of ~ i’d make the purchase date illegible w/water stains or just just rip it). they had a small debate team meeting as i stood there with a long line of people behind me. yeah, it was embarrassing. am i really writing all this? my gosh, it still is. but at the time, all that was worth a $13. gift card to me so i could get something new. to this day i can’t believe it ‘worked’. in fact, to this day, i can’t believe i was never caught.

i watched a dr. phil called, ‘can’t stop stealing’. i completely related to this woman. only she’d been arrested 4 or 5 times & was still addicted. he basically used her kids’ innocence & the threat of prison to scare & shame her into accepting the gift of cognitive therapy he offered to pay for “in her own home town”.

it was far from a message of grace & forgiveness. now that’s a real gift.

i thought getting caught just one time would break me. the sheer humiliation of being hauled off in from of my toddler while he waits for his daddy to come for him…or the thought of being handcuffed in public…it still scares me. but that’s not what helped me stop. dr. phil’s guest made me feel less alone in my addiction, but that wasn’t it either.

i read that confessing something to God with your mouth – it cleanses & saves you. confessing it to someone close you can trust is what starts the healing process. i believed that. i finally told my husband last year, then later my mom, that i had struggled with this compulsion for several years. like food addicts who have to eat to live & are therefore continually faced w/temptation to overeat as they stand in front of their fridge, i had to shop for necessities & groceries weekly. the temptation was always there.

but after confessing to God & someone who could hold me immediately accountable, my urges to “lift” started…lifting. when i’m tempted to steal (yeah, i’m still tempted), i ask myself, ‘self, why!?! do u need that? what kind of example are u setting? would it be worth getting caught? do u think you’re more special or entitled than others who actually pay? get over your…self.’ or i’ll just say a simple prayer for the strength i need; recalling that there’s One who promises to supply all my needs, when i need them. sometimes i don’t do either, & end up taking something anyway. the last thing i can remember lifting was a birthday card that played ‘who let the dogs out’ when you opened it. angel had used it as entertainment while @ wal mart, even during self-check out. that was 3 or 4 months ago.

i’ve been thinkin’ about it lately. my reasons for doin’ it & for me, it comes down to three things ~ not trusting God nearly enough, refusing to die to my selfish desires, & clutching a perverted sense of self-entitlement.

today as i type this, i am nearly free of that issue. not because i tried hard, faithfully attended a 12-step klepto program, or was caught in the act. instead, thank God grace was poured out on me.

before it got worse, i was shown in my heart how confession & reliance {on strength greater than my own} can join forces to really change a person ~ from the inside out.