Loss of Sleep vs. Loss of a Child

Earlier tonight, I was tired and dozed off on the couch. I woke to noises from the 2nd floor. The thumping, screaming, running, jumping, scaring, throwing and more. At first, I was so annoyed. But then I had to check that emotion against the reality that there are many women who once had a child and once heard all those noises. But no longer do.

Some never had the opportunity to even hear them. Women like my long-time friend from Portland, Nancy, who lost her baby, Josiah. She got to hold him for four days. How our young-married group prayed for them! It took everything in me to not cry as I sang at the memorial service, but my tears would not be held as I watched the photo-presentation on screen as I listened to Nichole Nordeman sing the gentle and powerful song, “River God” . So many aren’t able to carry to term before the ultrasound no longer bears a heartbeat. My mom miscarried between my sister’s birth and mine. I have an “older” brother or sister, in heaven right now.

And then there’s Angie Smith, who has other children with her husband, Todd (singer in the band, Selah) but whose last child, Audrey, lost her life not long after birth. This woman is truly inspirational…to hundreds. I stopped reading her blog so often because every time I did, I was there for never less than an hour and never without tears.


I’ve learned little bits about perspective and the importance of friendships and reasons why we must endure pain. That life can go on, and with greater purpose and satisfaction after enduring. There may be an emptiness at times, but she reminds her readers that God is a friend who can fill the emptiness if we allow him.


And even if we find ourselves sad, it’s ok. It’s ok because we can still be fulfilled. With the presence and peace of the Spirit of God. I don’t understand it. It just happens. Anyway, from here on out, I think when I find myself annoyed or upset, I’m going to try to challenge myself. I’m going to try to put into practice a perspective that will change my whole attitude. Lord help me.



i was thinkin’ today that i could sit down and write a list of all of the things and people that make my heart grateful…but honestly, i think it’d take too much time and probably bore anyone reading it. yeah, it matters that we recount them – that we place stones of remembrance telling the tale of how we’ve been blessed, delivered, rescued, gifted…but today i’ll leave them in my thoughts. let’s just say i’m a happy camper.


who or what has made a wonderful impact on you lately? what are you gonna do about it?

claritin clear

today i stepped outside and took in the breeze, the warmth of the sun at 81; i let the clean air fill my lungs and looked around my backyard.

the blades of grass were greener. the sky, bluer, behind the sparse stratus clouds; the contrast at its peak.

there’s nothing special about today. but today, the world as i see it has been photo-shopped and purified for my pleasure.

i’ll take that as a wink from God.

worship to a new song…from hillsong: “HEALER”

UPDATED 8/21: what i’ve learned about this song’s writer is disappointing…but it doesn’t change the fact that God doesn’t change. the lyrics still ring true. the most impacting way to glorify God is through our lifestyles. and the most impacting time? when we are in our most broken state.

i’m praying that through this controversy, the essence of true grace be realized in churches & Christians worldwide. for more on this story, i’ll just “ping” you over to chris from canada who’s posted some really great thoughts & discussion…and has more time than myself, to write on this.

how ’bout this week, let’s think about what God’s Word says: pray for those who hurt you.

7/9: how can we not worship HIM!? every time we do, truth rings in our hearts & our faith is strengthened.

from oregon to texas

i’m just sitting here, as blessed as can be…my dad bought a ticket for my mom to fly down here with him for a business trip he had planned…they extended their stay so they could spend more time w/us & the kids. they’re stayin’ in angel’s room (she’s sleepin’ in a pack n play in our walk-in closet)! and we’re all lovin’ it.

the kids & i prob. will not be able to fly up to oregon in july with my husband when he’ll be the best man @ his brother’s wedding. times are tight. if i think about it too much, i get teary…so i’ll just get to the point.

with that in mind, ‘papa & gigi’ took it upon themselves to visit us (praise God they had the funds to do so). they showed up at our door last night at 9:15. angel & braylon were so elated ~ laughing & story-telling, being held, hugged, tickled & read to til after 10pm. …and we have ’em in our custody for one week!

this visit is definitely a wink from God.

The Russwalk

the other day i went walking with angel to pick up braylon from school on the same path we’ve taken since september: pass 3 houses to the street’s end, through the tennis courts & onto the school’s road (pretty busy, espec. when school releases). we’ve always walked on the shoulder & overpass anyway, stopping to look at & discuss how the wetlands have changed that day. i’ve always thought it’d be great to use a safe sidewalk, even pictured myself in a “hutto town hall” discussion about it, but didn’t call the city or even pray. “i’m just one person, & there aren’t many walkers on this road. we’ll be fine”.

so we’re walkin’ & we come across a construction crew by the overpass. the man stopped us to tell us that the city of hutto is building a sidewalk from the tennis courts to the school. i got so excited, i bent down to look at bray & exclaimed, “did u hear that?! they knew we’ve been needin’ a sidewalk & now they’re making one, just for us! it’s a russwalk!” he goes,’yeah! & anybody who walks on it ‘upset’ for us, we’ll throw them over the bridge!’ “well, no, how bout we share it w/everyone. God gave it to us, so we’ll give to everyone else. thanks God, for our very own russwalk.” & with that, we thanked the men & went home, very happy.

God knows our little desires, even when they’re not that important, & He wants to tell us that He listens to our hearts & wants us to be happy. He really loves me, & that day, it was like he gave me a wink to show it. if i’m not observant, i may just pass his winks off as good luck or chance. but (thank u to joyce meyer & her message today about grace) i’ll be keepin’ my eyes peeled for blessings, big or small; they’re expressions of His love, evidence of His grace.

i’m gr8ful for…

  • how my daughter’s eyes are turning blue-er
  • how i was able to buy like $200 of food yesterday @ my favorite grocery store, & now have all the food our family needs. we used to rely on the state of oregon to help us w/food, but are now still God-sufficient, but also self-sufficient (as defined by the gov’mnt), and it feels wonderful
  • the mild weather here in austin – a sunny & breezy spring
  • how my skin is getting healthier
  • how my husb. is secure, (us’ly) loves comin’ home to us after work & is growing spiritually
  • our new bbq – we’re using like 4 times/wk!
  • my one-on-one time i get every morning w/angel

happy with no make up

i’m gr8ful for…

…an extra-wonderful 5-yr.old son who welcomes me every time i pick him up from school, w/really wide open arms & sometimes a ‘mommyyyyyy!’ or one of his cute lil ‘point-n-nod’s w/a half-smile as soon as he spots me… followed by ‘where’s my snack?!’

i’m gr8ful for his health, his beautiful brown eyes ~ even when he looks tired, they still have a great shape & color to them ~ for his kind, compassionate heart & his patience.